What a glorious day it's been here today after the wild weather we had yesterday. The Sun is still shining, and the birds are singing well into overtime this evening. Alan and I walked down to the fishery and sat outside sipping on our drinks. It was so nice to be outdoors. After a rest we walked slowly home. So many leaves are opening up to Spring, what a joy to see this process again.
Friday 27 April 2012
Thank you to my Niece Hannah for coming and cleaning out both my ovens today - a messy job it is! I really appreciate it Hannah. Thanks to Jessica for looking after me this afternoon, I've spent over three hours on her couch. Alan had an away golf day so it was nice to spend time with Jasmine too. I didn't move very much, I started the Morphine tablets this morning and feel drowsy, this may last a few days. The good thing is it's helped me today, and I have another liquid Morphine if I need to hit anything that may flare up. The dose isn't very big, but none the less, I always knew that it's a one way road from this point so it's a significant day - I'll always need the pain relief from now on.
It's another sobering thought....
Here's to smelling the Flowers over the weekend. Enjoy.
It's another sobering thought....
Here's to smelling the Flowers over the weekend. Enjoy.
Thursday 26 April 2012
Tuesday 24 April 2012
Scan results
I went to the Hospice this morning for my appointment with my Consultant for my routine update with her and for the results of the Scan which I had last Thursday. The appointment was really helpful in shedding light on many of the symptoms I've been experiencing these past several weeks and gives us an overview of tracking the Cancer.
The Scan report is not as straight forward to interpret as you might think because the Radiologist had nothing to compare this latest scan to, although we know there were at least 5 tumours in the lungs the latest Scan report states multiple soft tissue densities. We know the size of the largest is 18mm which compares to our Scan report from January showing a doubling in size. This seems to have been the 'routine' growth of the tumours in the lung since January 2011 according to all the scans I've had.
We already knew the mass in my pelvis was causing an obstruction and affecting my Kidney, at this stage I'm being referred to an Urologist for further investigation as I may need to have a procedure which I can talk about again at a later date when the time comes.
Thankfully, my Bowel and Liver are still okay since surgery which I find quite surprising considering.
It now seems obvious that cancer is now in my Ovaries there seems to have been a lot of activity in that area since my last C.T. and Ultra-Sound Scan which explains many of the symptoms I'm experiencing. The two tumours are 6 x 6 centimeter and one 4.5 by 3.5 cm. The one on the left is pushing my Uterus to the right.
I feel much better knowing what's going on in my pelvis the pain and discomfort and other symptoms have been getting worse. I'm going on to the lowest dosage of Morphine liquid starting tomorrow when we pick up the medicines. We'll see if this helps with the pain I have now because whatever I already have isn't working, if it doesn't the Consultant will change the dosage.
It was a long appointment so we covered a lot and it was nice to have Jessica with us, but these are the main things we covered. My problem area is my abdomen despite the activity in my lungs because the bigger the tumours grow the more organs will get pushed around in my abdomen.
I'm really tired now, it's been a long day, I was ready for a rest just before I got out of the door to leave for the appointment. My mind is on melt down and I need a long rest where I can switch off from all external stimulus! I hope some of this makes sense, hopefully Jessica or Alan can put some notes up on the group page if they think of something they want to say. I'm not the best person to be doing an update with my fatigue levels as they are now but this is a really good way of updating everyone in one hit!
Thank you everyone for your continued support, your love and strengths which you so freely share with me. I am much more grateful than I sound, of that I am sure. I feel like a robot most of the time the fatigue makes it difficult to get over emotional or over anything really. There again I'm a very feet on the ground kind of person but can 'flick' over to my emotional side from time to time. It's all about balance for me.... Since I started this experience with cancer I've learned to be more realistic and down to earth, that side of me has really edged in, because it has had to. It helps me take things in my stride and work through what's happening to me. These past 2 months has seen me going through big changes again with not being able to participate in 'life' as much as before. I view most of what's going on from the wings like I'm part of a play, this play of life. I can't get involved in what I maybe doing in 5 or 10 years time like I used to. That's been taken away now with a list of things I could talk all day about. This is how it is for me now. I listen to people talk about their futures, their dreams, it could be a very lonely place, now and again it is a lonely place, but us humans are very good at adapting when we have to and I truly believe everyone has the strength to get through their stuff. Difficult experiences can make a human reach into the depths of who they are, what we can find there are strengths and resilience we may not have been aware of before.
I went to the Hospice this morning for my appointment with my Consultant for my routine update with her and for the results of the Scan which I had last Thursday. The appointment was really helpful in shedding light on many of the symptoms I've been experiencing these past several weeks and gives us an overview of tracking the Cancer.
The Scan report is not as straight forward to interpret as you might think because the Radiologist had nothing to compare this latest scan to, although we know there were at least 5 tumours in the lungs the latest Scan report states multiple soft tissue densities. We know the size of the largest is 18mm which compares to our Scan report from January showing a doubling in size. This seems to have been the 'routine' growth of the tumours in the lung since January 2011 according to all the scans I've had.
We already knew the mass in my pelvis was causing an obstruction and affecting my Kidney, at this stage I'm being referred to an Urologist for further investigation as I may need to have a procedure which I can talk about again at a later date when the time comes.
Thankfully, my Bowel and Liver are still okay since surgery which I find quite surprising considering.
It now seems obvious that cancer is now in my Ovaries there seems to have been a lot of activity in that area since my last C.T. and Ultra-Sound Scan which explains many of the symptoms I'm experiencing. The two tumours are 6 x 6 centimeter and one 4.5 by 3.5 cm. The one on the left is pushing my Uterus to the right.
I feel much better knowing what's going on in my pelvis the pain and discomfort and other symptoms have been getting worse. I'm going on to the lowest dosage of Morphine liquid starting tomorrow when we pick up the medicines. We'll see if this helps with the pain I have now because whatever I already have isn't working, if it doesn't the Consultant will change the dosage.
It was a long appointment so we covered a lot and it was nice to have Jessica with us, but these are the main things we covered. My problem area is my abdomen despite the activity in my lungs because the bigger the tumours grow the more organs will get pushed around in my abdomen.
I'm really tired now, it's been a long day, I was ready for a rest just before I got out of the door to leave for the appointment. My mind is on melt down and I need a long rest where I can switch off from all external stimulus! I hope some of this makes sense, hopefully Jessica or Alan can put some notes up on the group page if they think of something they want to say. I'm not the best person to be doing an update with my fatigue levels as they are now but this is a really good way of updating everyone in one hit!
Thank you everyone for your continued support, your love and strengths which you so freely share with me. I am much more grateful than I sound, of that I am sure. I feel like a robot most of the time the fatigue makes it difficult to get over emotional or over anything really. There again I'm a very feet on the ground kind of person but can 'flick' over to my emotional side from time to time. It's all about balance for me.... Since I started this experience with cancer I've learned to be more realistic and down to earth, that side of me has really edged in, because it has had to. It helps me take things in my stride and work through what's happening to me. These past 2 months has seen me going through big changes again with not being able to participate in 'life' as much as before. I view most of what's going on from the wings like I'm part of a play, this play of life. I can't get involved in what I maybe doing in 5 or 10 years time like I used to. That's been taken away now with a list of things I could talk all day about. This is how it is for me now. I listen to people talk about their futures, their dreams, it could be a very lonely place, now and again it is a lonely place, but us humans are very good at adapting when we have to and I truly believe everyone has the strength to get through their stuff. Difficult experiences can make a human reach into the depths of who they are, what we can find there are strengths and resilience we may not have been aware of before.
Friday 20 April 2012
C.T. Scan
When you are under palliative care its not usual to have scans anymore to track the progress of the cancer, for obvious reasons the cost of doing this outweighs the doctors "need to know". Some people may not want to know how their cancer is progressing but I am pleased to gain an insight into whats been happening since January. Due to my recent illness, looming kidney problems and unusual symptoms my Hospice Consultant ordered a C.T. Scan at Royal Bolton hospital.
I had this yesterday which was an extremely trying ordeal. There were delays and the environment was very uncomfortable, lets just say I prefer Preston hospital! I am left today with incredible fatigue and my temperature was soaring last night. I most probably won't be around for a few days because of of overdoing it yesterday. I haven't got used to how Cancer fatigue at this stage of cancer is so debilitating, how I kept going all afternoon I don't know! The results should be with the consultant for my appointment on Tuesday. I have no idea what they will say, but I hope to get the knowledge which will help the consultant diagnose the symptoms.
Tuesday 17 April 2012
Well done Ella
Ella well done for doing the figure of eight practices with Casper on Sunday at your Riding School. I'm so pleased you got to do them without a leader this week, well done! I'm missing taking you every week, when I get an extra special rest and feel like I have some energy I want to come and watch you again. No doubt you'll have been missing the crisps, chocolate and apple juice after your lesson every Sunday since I've not been able to take you! I can't believe it will be a year in June 2011 since we took you for your first lesson. You may not get to read this until you are all grown up, and may have forgotten when you started your lessons so hopefully this will be a nice reminder for you. I'm very proud of you, always remember that. You are a wonderful Granddaughter and I love you very, very much.
Ella well done for doing the figure of eight practices with Casper on Sunday at your Riding School. I'm so pleased you got to do them without a leader this week, well done! I'm missing taking you every week, when I get an extra special rest and feel like I have some energy I want to come and watch you again. No doubt you'll have been missing the crisps, chocolate and apple juice after your lesson every Sunday since I've not been able to take you! I can't believe it will be a year in June 2011 since we took you for your first lesson. You may not get to read this until you are all grown up, and may have forgotten when you started your lessons so hopefully this will be a nice reminder for you. I'm very proud of you, always remember that. You are a wonderful Granddaughter and I love you very, very much.
Sunday 15 April 2012
Endymion, Book I, [A thing of beauty is a joy for ever]
John Keats
A thing of beauty is a joy for ever:
Its loveliness increases; it will never
Pass into nothingness; but still will keep
A bower quiet for us, and a sleep
Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.
Therefore, on every morrow, are we wreathing
A flowery band to bind us to the earth,
Spite of despondence, of the inhuman dearth
Of noble natures, of the gloomy days,
Of all the unhealthy and o'er-darkened ways
Made for our searching: yes, in spite of all,
Some shape of beauty moves away the pall
From our dark spirits. Such the sun, the moon,
Trees old, and young, sprouting a shady boon
For simple sheep; and such are daffodils
With the green world they live in; and clear rills
That for themselves a cooling covert make
'Gainst the hot season; the mid-forest brake,
Rich with a sprinkling of fair musk-rose blooms:
And such too is the grandeur of the dooms
We have imagined for the mighty dead;
All lovely tales that we have heard or read:
An endless fountain of immortal drink,
Pouring unto us from the heaven's brink.
Nor do we merely feel these essences
For one short hour; no, even as the trees
That whisper round a temple become soon
Dear as the temple's self, so does the moon,
The passion poesy, glories infinite,
Haunt us till they become a cheering light
Unto our souls, and bound to us so fast
That, whether there be shine or gloom o'ercast,
They always must be with us, or we die.
Therefore, 'tis with full happiness that I
Will trace the story of Endymion.
The very music of the name has gone
Into my being, and each pleasant scene
Is growing fresh before me as the green
Of our own valleys: so I will begin
Now while I cannot hear the city's din;
Now while the early budders are just new,
And run in mazes of the youngest hue
About old forests; while the willow trails
Its delicate amber; and the dairy pails
Bring home increase of milk. And, as the year
Grows lush in juicy stalks, I'll smoothly steer
My little boat, for many quiet hours,
With streams that deepen freshly into bowers.
Many and many a verse I hope to write,
Before the daisies, vermeil rimmed and white,
Hide in deep herbage; and ere yet the bees
Hum about globes of clover and sweet peas,
I must be near the middle of my story.
O may no wintry season, bare and hoary,
See it half finished: but let Autumn bold,
With universal tinge of sober gold,
Be all about me when I make an end!
And now at once, adventuresome, I send
My herald thought into a wilderness:
There let its trumpet blow, and quickly dress
My uncertain path with green, that I may speed
Easily onward, thorough flowers and weed.
Its loveliness increases; it will never
Pass into nothingness; but still will keep
A bower quiet for us, and a sleep
Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.
Therefore, on every morrow, are we wreathing
A flowery band to bind us to the earth,
Spite of despondence, of the inhuman dearth
Of noble natures, of the gloomy days,
Of all the unhealthy and o'er-darkened ways
Made for our searching: yes, in spite of all,
Some shape of beauty moves away the pall
From our dark spirits. Such the sun, the moon,
Trees old, and young, sprouting a shady boon
For simple sheep; and such are daffodils
With the green world they live in; and clear rills
That for themselves a cooling covert make
'Gainst the hot season; the mid-forest brake,
Rich with a sprinkling of fair musk-rose blooms:
And such too is the grandeur of the dooms
We have imagined for the mighty dead;
All lovely tales that we have heard or read:
An endless fountain of immortal drink,
Pouring unto us from the heaven's brink.
Nor do we merely feel these essences
For one short hour; no, even as the trees
That whisper round a temple become soon
Dear as the temple's self, so does the moon,
The passion poesy, glories infinite,
Haunt us till they become a cheering light
Unto our souls, and bound to us so fast
That, whether there be shine or gloom o'ercast,
They always must be with us, or we die.
Therefore, 'tis with full happiness that I
Will trace the story of Endymion.
The very music of the name has gone
Into my being, and each pleasant scene
Is growing fresh before me as the green
Of our own valleys: so I will begin
Now while I cannot hear the city's din;
Now while the early budders are just new,
And run in mazes of the youngest hue
About old forests; while the willow trails
Its delicate amber; and the dairy pails
Bring home increase of milk. And, as the year
Grows lush in juicy stalks, I'll smoothly steer
My little boat, for many quiet hours,
With streams that deepen freshly into bowers.
Many and many a verse I hope to write,
Before the daisies, vermeil rimmed and white,
Hide in deep herbage; and ere yet the bees
Hum about globes of clover and sweet peas,
I must be near the middle of my story.
O may no wintry season, bare and hoary,
See it half finished: but let Autumn bold,
With universal tinge of sober gold,
Be all about me when I make an end!
And now at once, adventuresome, I send
My herald thought into a wilderness:
There let its trumpet blow, and quickly dress
My uncertain path with green, that I may speed
Easily onward, thorough flowers and weed.
Thank you to my friend Jacquie in the Isle of Man for sending me a card with an excerpt from this poem on the back, which took me to the full poem. So beautiful...
Friday 13 April 2012
Today is a special day to remember my very special Mum who's Birthday was the 13th April 1931. She was an amazing woman who invested her time and love into a family which extended from her three daughters. She was committed to family. Family was her life, and we all reap the benefits of the love and laughter she shared with us, and the legacy of her love lives on in our family's today. I'm sure over generations she will have become a legend, because she almost has that status in our extended family now. Thank you Mum for all the wonderful times we shared together, happy memories and love.
Wednesday 11 April 2012
There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more,
From these our interviews, in which I steal
From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne'er express, yet cannot all conceal.
Byron
There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more,
From these our interviews, in which I steal
From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne'er express, yet cannot all conceal.
Byron
My Blog wouldn't be the same without the presence of my favourite poem.
Tuesday 10 April 2012
Adjustments
My experience with stage four advanced cancer has been a series of adjustments since the day I was diagnosed. This continues at pace, many times I haven't time to filter what's happening to me before I'm onto another stage. It's only two months ago I was walking every day, fatigue was creeping up on me but I was learning to manage it with the help of my Occupational Therapist. The last infection floored me for a few weeks, each day was a haze and my focus was on getting through each day. This past week has been spent trying to get on my feet and find out what I can and can't do. I've learned I can't do very much without feeling extremely fatigued.
My experience with terminal cancer has been one of letting go, letting go of how I've previously lived my life. Letting go isn't always easy, not when it's forced on you. For me, a part of life has been a series of letting go, it goes along side living. Oftentimes letting go has been at the end of a mental and emotional process where it has been my decision to let go. One of the toughest I experienced was seeing my children walk into independence and adulthood.
My Occupational Therapist visited this morning. We talked through my fatigue levels as they are now. I'm trying to adjust to this level of fatigue when I was only just starting to understand the last level. So much can change in two months. That can be a scary thought if I look ahead, and sometimes I do look ahead, fear peeps out and looks me in the eye, especially now that more is happening to me physically. Pain showed it's face yesterday, I took a deep breath. More new territory. Pain said hello to me this morning, oh you're still there, I was hoping you'd have gone away,.... but these tumours are growing after all, it's real.
There is no doubt about it, this is the hardest stage of cancer I've faced so far. It's fast moving at the moment. Constant change and letting go, and now pain. Testing, testing times.
My experience with stage four advanced cancer has been a series of adjustments since the day I was diagnosed. This continues at pace, many times I haven't time to filter what's happening to me before I'm onto another stage. It's only two months ago I was walking every day, fatigue was creeping up on me but I was learning to manage it with the help of my Occupational Therapist. The last infection floored me for a few weeks, each day was a haze and my focus was on getting through each day. This past week has been spent trying to get on my feet and find out what I can and can't do. I've learned I can't do very much without feeling extremely fatigued.
My experience with terminal cancer has been one of letting go, letting go of how I've previously lived my life. Letting go isn't always easy, not when it's forced on you. For me, a part of life has been a series of letting go, it goes along side living. Oftentimes letting go has been at the end of a mental and emotional process where it has been my decision to let go. One of the toughest I experienced was seeing my children walk into independence and adulthood.
My Occupational Therapist visited this morning. We talked through my fatigue levels as they are now. I'm trying to adjust to this level of fatigue when I was only just starting to understand the last level. So much can change in two months. That can be a scary thought if I look ahead, and sometimes I do look ahead, fear peeps out and looks me in the eye, especially now that more is happening to me physically. Pain showed it's face yesterday, I took a deep breath. More new territory. Pain said hello to me this morning, oh you're still there, I was hoping you'd have gone away,.... but these tumours are growing after all, it's real.
There is no doubt about it, this is the hardest stage of cancer I've faced so far. It's fast moving at the moment. Constant change and letting go, and now pain. Testing, testing times.
Thursday 5 April 2012
Managed a walk
After almost 6 weeks I did a small walk today. The sun was shining and I felt strong enough to walk slowly down the back lane and back, with a break for lunch and cups of tea. Every now and then I stopped and had a rest then carried on. This time last week I couldn't imagine being out on a walk again. Let's hope this infection is well and truly behind me now. I've never been affected by an infection for such a long period of time with cancer. Thank you every one for your support, good wishes, cards and gifts, I appreciate you all.
As it's Bowel Cancer awareness month here in the U.K. I'd like to put out another reminder to get checked out if you are in any doubt whatsoever. Don't put it off, you don't have to go through what I've been going through for over 2 years. It's about 4 years since cancer invaded my body, it took me 2 years to notice because Bowel cancer cells are slow to develop.
After almost 6 weeks I did a small walk today. The sun was shining and I felt strong enough to walk slowly down the back lane and back, with a break for lunch and cups of tea. Every now and then I stopped and had a rest then carried on. This time last week I couldn't imagine being out on a walk again. Let's hope this infection is well and truly behind me now. I've never been affected by an infection for such a long period of time with cancer. Thank you every one for your support, good wishes, cards and gifts, I appreciate you all.
Waiting for fish chips and mushy peas for lunch today.
Wednesday 4 April 2012
Some improvement
This past couple of days has seen some improvement since I started with the infection, which we don't know where it was. I am now on week 5 since it started. Its almost 48 hours since I've done any shivering so I've been able to cut right back on the paracetamol, I only had two before I went to sleep last night. I'm hoping I'm on the back end of whatever it was now, but what I'm left with is fatigue which has bit into my life in a new way. I was starting to plan how to deal with the fatigue that hit me a couple of months ago, but now it's gone onto a new level before I'd found a way to deal with the last level. I also feel quite poorly most of the time, especially in the evenings. My Occupational Therapist is coming to see me on Tuesday to help me make a new plan. I do very little in the day but rest, I look forward to our trips onto the Moor when I'm up to it and this afternoon I'm going to sit on Jessica's sofa for an hour and look at the children's faces which is a big treat.
It was lovely to see two of my Grandchildren, Jasmine was snuggling up to me which was lovely.
Tuesday 3 April 2012
(1770-1850)
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills.
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the
stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a boy:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a boy:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance
The waves beside
them danced, but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay
In such a jocund company;
I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay
In such a jocund company;
I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on
my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
I usually put out this poem every year at this time whilst the Daffodils are still in bloom, I left it a bit late this year but there are still plenty around.
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