Thank you for your continued support and for checking my blog.  I can't keep up with it for the time being I'm experiencing severe anxiety because of the effects of this awful disease.  I am not able to do      very much in my day which is making me very anxious, annoyed, and if I'm honest - angry.  My abdomen continues to grow and I struggle with thoughts of what may be ahead of me.  Its quite common to have your stomach drained in hospital if there is a build up of too much fluid.  Cancer is rotten, I hate having it.....

Happy Birthday Jessica Nadine.  I hope your weekend is special.  I love you so very much my girl.  You are a treasure...

Happy Birthday lovely Jasmine, 3 today.  I'm so glad you had a fun filled day with lots of nice presents, friends and family.  I hope you had a great time at Cheeky Monkeys.  I enjoyed our meal with you later on, you looked like a real Princess!

I love you so, always remember that my sweet Granddaughter,......
Nannie xx

I cherish my family, they are so important to me. I'm learning to lean on them and ask for help when I need it too. I find this whole stage of cancer difficult to get through, I need help more and more because I feel fatigued most of the time. Simple tasks drain my energy levels. I'm trying to get through feeling very sad that my health has deteriorated. Its not something I can just get over quickly, the whole process of these dramatic changes is having an effect on me now.

The sun shines again today, it's lovely, but I feel nervous and anxious most of the time unless I'm distracted. Most things I attempt to do tire me out more and more, I watch others do things and struggle with the enormity of what I'm going through. Mentally it's hard, physically it's hard and emotionally it's hard. My tummy and abdomen keep growing as the tumours grow and make my bodily functions in that area more difficult. Please, if in doubt of your health, get checked out. Don't delay.

I just lost my latest blog which happens from time to time when I use our iPad! I did save it though! My blogs will be quite short until I start using the laptop again. Since we moved I've not seen it, so it could be a while, or maybe I should just get used to this iPad! I was mainly talking about vomiting again today so it was probably a good one to loose!

I found the post afterall

This morning I vomited after my breakfast. I'd also taken all my morning tablets. I've not been sick for two days so had been doing ok. I've a lot of tablets to take in one day. Not having these drugs in my system can start me off on a vicious circle of trying to deal with symptoms when I can't hold down my prescribed medications. Frustrating to say the least. The anxiety I've been experiencing has been alright today, which has given me a sense of welcome relief. Moving house is stressful enough without dealing with it when you are sick.

I'm finding this phase of my illness very difficult as I'm confronted with the mental aspects of what it means to me to be a terminally I'll cancer patient. Since I was in the Hospice for a month I've been suffering with anxiety and feeling depressed. It hasn't helped knowing this is totally normal for someone going through this experience. I would love to turn back the clock and have 'me' back again but that's not possible.

Good morning one and all. It's been a little while since we posted an update and I know some of you are concerned for news. It is difficult to give you an accurate breakdown of where we are medically as that would require long lists of drugs and general medications. Plus the explanation of one aspect of Judith's condition would be an answer that creates twenty more questions. The point is Judith is in good hands here in the hospice and is in the best place to be, both medically and psychologically. The hospice is a place of safety and control. As we speak the birds are doing their morning thing and all around is a Sunday morning calm. No distant cars or trucks, just peace and tranquility. We have been here two weeks tomorrow and we shall be here for some time yet. Enjoy the weekend, Judith sends her love. Alan.

Good morning everyone, It's nearly a week since Judith was admitted to the hospice and as we speak it is 06:30am Sunday morning. I am sitting in the reclining chair at the foot of Judith's bed she is sleeping now and all is calm and peceful. I have the window open to the lovely garden outside the patio doors and the birds are doing there thing. Judith is very tired most days and sleeps a lot. She finds that a bit frustrating as she would love to be more involved In the day. I shall leave you for now, but thought this a good chance to keep you up to date and wanted to share the moment with you all. Alan.

We are two days into the hospice treatment and there have been more lows than highs but things are beginning to settle down and work in the manner they should. But we have a long way to go yet and getting the infection under control is the next immediate hurdle. In the midst of all this we got a visit from the granddaughter Jasmine today which lifted the mood somewhat. Hard not to smile when she leans over real close to a bee on a flower and whispers....where's tinkerbell ? I have included a photo taken in he garden at the hospice during the hunt for fairies :- )

Dear all, This is Alan again, just an update on Judith's situation. Judith was admitted to the hospice at lunchtime today which frankly is a great relief after a very difficult weekend. She may be in for up to 2 weeks so they can stabilise her condition. I will try to update you all as and when I can, they have wifi here and I will have the iPad with me so lets see how the next few days go. It goes without saying, thank you for all your support it really makes a difference. Alan.

Dear all, This is Judith's husband Alan. Judith has asked me to put a quick note on here. Over the last few days Judith has been very sick and we are working hard to get things back on track. We have to stop the sickness before we can medicate other issues. So please bear with us whilst we get Judith better.

I have been overwhelmed with emotion on my Birthday today, I have had so many lovely messages, images, photographs, cards and gifts, I wouldn't know where to start to thank all you precious people, but thank you from the bottom of my heart. For all the love you have shown me, thank you, I feel privileged to have come across so many people who are nothing short of beautiful. You make a difference to my life. Your support has been amazing, and I have made many new friends around the World who I will probably never meet. I spent two hours with my family today over lunch, I was grateful to have been well enough to go out. Everyone spoilt me with gifts and cards and my home is full of flowers. Early this morning Jasmine sang Happy Birthday to me on the phone, I won't forget that. I dreamed of my Mum and Dad, they were in our old home together I was there interacting with them. That was lovely on my Birthday... Thank you for making this such a special day.

It's been a difficult week even though I had a blood transfusion last week. I felt like I had more energy but because I've had another infection, or symptoms of another infection, I haven't felt the benefit as much. It's been a week of dealing with this awful disease on a daily basis and trying to keep my temperature down. Some days I can get out, other days I lie down most of the time trying to deal with what my body throws at me as the complications develop around the tumours. It is awful, but here I am ready for a new Birthday tomorrow. I made it to another one.

I've been quite nauseous this past week so I haven't been around very much.  When I went to the Hospice on Friday they changed my pain relief to Fentanyl patches instead of Morphine tablets.  I still have the liquid Morphine as a top up as and when I need it.  The patches don't seem strong enough so I'll be chatting with the Consultant at the Hospice tomorrow about having a higher dose so I'm not using the liquid Morphine as much which may be making me so sick.

My blood tests show I'm anemic I was border line last time I had my bloods done about 4 weeks ago.  This means I'll be going into the Hospice on Wednesday for a blood transfusion.  I have to go to the Hospice in the morning so they can take some blood to try and get a good match for me on Wednesday.  

I also woke up in the night with a high temperature so we contacted the Hospice helpline who advised me to take some paracetamol and see my G.P. today because I maybe starting with an infection.  I'll see my Consultant at the Hospice tomorrow though instead.  I hope I haven't got another infection starting after the last one which floored me for almost 2 months.  I feel shivery now so I'll be pleased to get my appointment in the morning.

I've not been near my message box or the internet in general but I needed to get this out for the latest updates.  I doubt I'll be leaving any messages or doing a blog until I feel a bit better.  If an infection does manifest itself that could be a while.

Thank you for continued support everyone.  Thank you to my family for their practical help, you were a good help yesterday Gill, Jane and Jen. 

I was going to do a blog today, I put the laptop on fully intending to do so.  At 5pm here I am, I've done too much today, I admit to overdoing it!  Hopefully I'll do the blog soon.  I went to the Hospice yesterday so I was going to update about that.  

It's another hot day here well 24 degrees feels hot enough to me these days!  

Another hot day today.  We took our time and walked down a leafy country lane to Jessica's.  We didn't see one person.  It was lovely and cool in the shade provided by the trees.

I had a nice rest at Jessica's and a drink, the kids were playing out in their sandpit, then we slowly walked over to the Bus Stop and got the Bus up the hill which dropped us off a short walk from home.  Back home, rest.  A short trip well done!  Buses can be fun!

This is me waiting at the bus stop,.. we only had about a 2 minute wait which was great, 10 minutes later we were walking through our front door!  I used to wait for buses at this Bus stop when I was a young girl.  Thanks for capturing these images on your phone today Alan

 

What another glorious day of sunshine we've had, that's three days in a row, it's been lovely, not too hot.

My Mother In Law had a visit with us this morning, I was tired after 20 minutes because I can't stop myself chattering, and I needed to conserve energy because I was going out with Jessica for an hour and a half.  I quickly put my feet up for 10 minutes after she had gone, then went out with Jessica.  I really enjoyed our time Jessica, thanks for picking out a few clothes for me in the shop we went into.  I loved stopping off at the fishery on our way home, sipping our drinks under the outside umbrella looking out across the water and talking ... lovely!

I was ready for a rest when I got in but needed some Morphine which I immediately vomited back up again!

We cope in different ways
As I looked down the lane I could see a woman pausing and her body language looked uncomfortable even at a distance.  I hardly thought about it for a few minutes because she scurried off onto another lane, which meant she wouldn't be walking directly past me.  I was busy looking at the lovely fresh green leaves on the trees, the sun was shining and I was lost in the moment.  I didn't pay attention to the lady I'd glanced at down the lane.  It was only when I turned round that I could see the lady higher up on the hill and on the other track.  I recognised her as an acquaintance of mine and as her eyes made contact I said hello.  She was hoping to get past without me seeing her.  She stopped walking and we broke into an obscure kind of conversation, more of a bit of banter than anything else.  Then she scurried off at pace.  

I experience this with people from time to time.  Poor woman, she felt uncomfortable, that was obvious.  A couple of years ago I may have felt offended but I think I understand.  I hope I understand.  She didn't know what to say to me or how to be with me.  One thing I have come to learn and understand during my experience with cancer is that I don't need to take someone's avoidance of me personally.  This woman was holding back the tears, just seeing me upset her.  She didn't know what to say to me.  What would I say to me?  I'd just be me, but that's me.  We are all different aren't we.  One thing I do know is this lady cares, she's not avoiding me because she doesn't like me.  That's her way of coping, I accept that.

You can't see the Heron very well, if at all on this photograph Alan took it on his phone as we walked down the lane,.. it was stood amongst the Daisy's and looked full of character with his back towards the water, which is unusual for a Heron!

For Joe:
Joe, we have such a laugh, we share a similar sense of humour.  I love it that you like a giggle with me.  I like your personality, you are full of character.  I like to watch you drawing, which you do quite a lot at the moment.  I like to sit and watch you draw, your head bent and eyes focused on what you are doing.  You are so concentrated and absorbed you don't hear what's going on around you, and it can be pretty noisy sometimes.  Jasmine makes sure of that!  I wonder if your love of drawing will continue and develop through your life... 

I'll never forget the morning  you were born in Dubai on the 2nd June 2006.  When we arrived at the delivery suite we heard two little cries and knew it was you making your first two sounds.  Your Mum and Dad were in such a rush to get to the American Hospital before you came out, that they had to leave their car, still running, outside the entrance door,... with the car doors wide open!

We have shared so many special times together Joe, I have many happy memories of time spent with you.  We walked up on the Moor together from our house and sat on a big stone with lovely views of the Town.  You were only about three at the time.  I told you that would always be our stone, and one day we should take a picnic up there.  It's such a nice stone to sit on and admire the views, that I'm sure many people have said the same thing.

I remember taking you up through Ridgemont Cemetery and you had a stick  which you pushed into the soil near the side entrance gates.  You went up there a few times after that and your stick was still where we left it!  There is so much I'd like to do with you Joe, but I treasure all the times I spend with you now.  I can't stop looking at your face, it's a nice face, a lovely face I want to say, and you have a wonderful way with you, an insight which comes to the surface making that particular moment very special.  You ask questions which I find quite profound.  You think about things, I like that.  I love you Joe. 

I took this photograph on one of our walks Joe, you've always liked being out in the wild!  This was down at the Bridge of the Water...

Luke likes Raspberry ripple!
Luke I don't know if Raspberry Ripple will still your favourite ice cream when you get to read this, but it used to be!  You used to like going to Fredericks ice cream makers who have a shop and snack bar.  On hot days people would form a queue all the way down the main road at weekends, evenings and holidays.  They probably still will when you've grown up!  We took you and Ella and you chose Raspberry Ripple with a chocolate flake in it too.  We walked down near the canal for a bit before driving home.  I wonder if you'll remember that day.  It was the 5th August 2010 and I have a photograph of you with your favourite ice cream.

I wonder what you will do with your life Luke.  You are such a caring person who loves animals and you are very good with children too.  You act in such a natural way with animals and seem to know how to treat them all by instinct,  I remember walking down Georges Lane with you, your Dad and Ella, a few months ago, you didn't hesitate to stroke a Horse which had it's head over a field gate.  You showed no fear when you fed it some grass and stroked it's face, only a respect and caring attitude which was lovely to see.  I wonder if you will share your caring nature with the World through your work when you grow up..

I can't see the Raspberry Ripple but it is in there!

A Memory with Ella
Ella, this is for you my love.  It was a time when you lived in Dubai when we were there and Aunty Jessica and Uncle Dan too.  It was lovely to see so much of you because when we lived in Dubai on our own I only saw you when I came over to England.  This was a special time you and I shared together on the beach, Luke, your Mum and Dad, Aunty Jessica and Uncle Dan were playing a game of football in the hot sun.  We were busy looking at trees and sitting in the sea!
 
I wrote this after you had returned to the U.K.  I missed you terribly!

Together we shared the beauty and energy of the Moon and Stars.

Her small body pressed against mine as we turned our heads to the sky.

I taught her to look at the Moon and Stars and the look in her eyes was almost as deep as the feeling I have when I look up at the night sky. 

Held on my hip we touched her first tree, a palm tree on the beach.  She felt what nature has to offer her from that first touch of a tree trunk.  I pointed to the outstretched leaves, and the patterns of the leaves against the sky.  Her eyes twinkled with enthusiasm her attention in the moment complete.

I took her to the edge of the shore, sat down, and placed her at the side of me.  We looked straight ahead from the golden soft sands to the turquoise and aqua marine ocean.  As I slowly glanced round to her frame on my right hand side, I took a deep breath and saw she was taking the same deep and intoxicating breath of life.   Filling her being in that moment, she wasn’t a child of one year, she was a Soul caught in a timeless moment of wonder.  She didn’t move this wonder in my life.  She was still, so unlike a child of one.  There we sat in the same stance, and I heard her sigh inwardly, although she was silent.  I lifted her and dragged her feet through the waters.  I watched the delight on her face as she felt another element, and my heart was overflowing. 

I really miss being with her, and asked my Son to show her the Moon and Stars again that she may feel the wonder of what we shared together.

I am grateful to have experienced those special moment with Ella.

I will never forget looking round and how she was as she looked out to the Ocean, as she sat just inches from the shore with her bare feet in the sand.

Ella, I came over from Dubai to see you, I'm such a big softie I couldn't help but cry when I cuddled you, you were such a lovely baby.

A memory for Jasmine
My lovely Jasmine you are a very bright light in my life, I can't go a day without seeing you.  I love to scoop you up in my arms and hug and kiss you.  I love to hear your voice when you come to my house and I'm upstairs, you call for me and my heart lifts at the sound of your voice, which isn't quite 3 yet.  When we see one another we rush towards each other we are so happy to be in each others company again.  Two days ago, which would be the 8th May 2012, you banged your little thumb when you tried to close the door as you were leaving, your Mummy quickly lifted you up to cuddle you and check your thumb was okay.  It hurt you but it looked like it would be alright very soon.  You were crying and I felt your thumb, it felt hot, I know what it feels like when you bump your thumb and it feels hot so I gently kissed it.  Inside my heart I wished with all my might it wouldn't hurt you for very long.  I picked a lovely bright yellow pansy from one of my flower pots, it was cool and damp and felt like satin.  It was one of those pansy's that wasn't completely open.  It offered a little place where you could put your hot thumb to help cool it down and soothe it on your way home in the car.  I called out to you as you were leaving, and walked over to the courtyard gate where I gently placed the flower in your hand for your poorly thumb to rest inside until it didn't feel poorly anymore.

I love you with all my heart my darling Jasmine, 

Nannie xxxx

More changes

I've been experiencing more changes and a time to readjust, in fact I'm having to readjust as I go because my weeks aren't the same.  As time moves on and the calendar month changes so this cancer moves on.  My appetite and taste buds have changed, which is one of the biggest changes of the past few weeks.  I can't face eating a meal and struggle to think of something I feel like eating.  When I think of something I could eat it tastes different to how it usually tastes.  My cups of tea aren't so good these days either, I always drank still water, now it makes me feel sick so I have sparkling water. 

I've been struggling with a few of the side effects of having cancer in my Ovaries this past week and It throws up hormonal issues which wouldn't normally be a part of my life.

Mentally it's been tough, I can't say otherwise.  I've felt sorry for myself these past few days, just fed up with the barrage of things thrown on me by this dreadful disease.  There aren't days off this thing which is why I would encourage anyone who thinks they have a problem to visit their G.P. The late stages of stage 4 cancer aren't generous enough to give time off for a break or to catch your breath, it's full on dealing with the physical, emotional, and for me now, mental effects of what it causes.

Early detection and diagnosis is the key.

We walked down to the fishery and had a drink outside, the wild flowers looked beautiful.  The sun shone every now and then but it was cool for May, the weathermen have told us it could be the coolest May on record.  The Occupational Therapist told me to walk half way to the Fishery and then turn back, but with a rest I could do it.  When I got home though, I was shaking like a leaf.  I looked at my hands trembling as if they weren't mine... Now I know why she said that...

Thank you for sharing this beautiful image with me Kim, when I look at it I feel refreshed...

Thank you to my Sister Gill, and Nieces Jane and Jennifer for cleaning my house today.  The house looks lovely and fresh and you take a load off my mind.  Your help is truly appreciated.

It's been nice to see the sunshine this weekend, I'm not sure if it will last for the Bank Holiday here in the U.K. but I hope everyone has a lovely holiday and gets to do something nice. 

What a glorious day it's been here today after the wild weather we had yesterday.  The Sun is still shining, and the birds are singing well into overtime this evening.  Alan and I walked down to the fishery and sat outside sipping on our drinks.  It was so nice to be outdoors.  After a rest we walked slowly home. So many leaves are opening up to Spring, what a joy to see this process again.
 

Thank you to my Niece Hannah for coming and cleaning out both my ovens today - a messy job it is!  I really appreciate it Hannah.  Thanks to Jessica for looking after me this afternoon, I've spent over three hours on her couch.  Alan had an away golf day so it was nice to spend time with Jasmine too.  I didn't move very much,  I started the Morphine tablets this morning and feel drowsy, this may last a few days.  The good thing is it's helped me today, and I have another liquid Morphine if I need to hit anything that may flare up.  The dose isn't very big, but none the less, I always knew that it's a one way road from this point so it's a significant day - I'll always need the pain relief from now on.
It's another sobering thought....


Here's to smelling the Flowers over the weekend.  Enjoy.

Happy 11th Birthday Luke, I'm really pleased we got to sing Happy Birthday to you at Aunty Jessica's before you went off to celebrate.  I hope you had a great time and that you liked the Addidas Bag!  Love you very much xx

Scan results
I went to the Hospice this morning for my appointment with my Consultant for my routine update with her and for the results of the Scan which I had last Thursday.  The appointment was really helpful in shedding light on many of the symptoms I've been experiencing these past several weeks and gives us an overview of tracking the Cancer.

The Scan report is not as straight forward to interpret as you might think because the Radiologist had nothing to compare this latest scan to, although we know there were at least 5 tumours in the lungs the latest Scan report states multiple soft tissue densities.  We know the size of the largest is 18mm which compares to our Scan report from January showing a doubling in size.  This seems to have been the 'routine' growth of the tumours in the lung since January 2011 according to all the scans I've had. 

We already knew the mass in my pelvis was causing an obstruction and affecting my Kidney, at this stage I'm being referred to an Urologist for further investigation as I may need to have a procedure which I can talk about again at a later date when the time comes. 

Thankfully, my Bowel and Liver are still okay since surgery which I find quite surprising considering.

It now seems obvious that cancer is now in my Ovaries there seems to have been a lot of activity in that area since my last C.T. and Ultra-Sound Scan which explains many of the symptoms I'm experiencing.  The two tumours are 6 x 6 centimeter and one 4.5 by 3.5 cm.  The one on the left is pushing my Uterus to the right.  

I feel much better knowing what's going on in my pelvis the pain and discomfort and other symptoms have been getting worse.  I'm going on to the lowest dosage of Morphine liquid starting tomorrow when we pick up the medicines.  We'll see if this helps with the pain I have now because whatever I already have isn't working, if it doesn't the Consultant will change the dosage. 

It was a long appointment so we covered a lot and it was nice to have Jessica with us, but these are the main things we covered.  My problem area is my abdomen despite the activity in my lungs because the bigger the tumours grow the more organs will get pushed around in my abdomen.

I'm really tired now, it's been a long day, I was ready for a rest just before I got out of the door to leave for the appointment.  My mind is on melt down and I need a long rest where I can switch off from all external stimulus!  I hope some of this makes sense, hopefully Jessica or Alan can put some notes up on the group page if they think of something they want to say.  I'm not the best person to be doing an update with my fatigue levels as they are now but this is a really good way of updating everyone in one hit!


Thank you everyone for your continued support, your love and strengths which you so freely share with me.  I am much more grateful than I sound, of that I am sure.  I feel like a robot most of the time the fatigue makes it difficult to get over emotional or over anything really.  There again I'm a very feet on the ground kind of person but can 'flick' over to my emotional side from time to time.  It's all about balance for me.... Since I started this experience with cancer I've learned to be more realistic and down to earth, that side of me has really edged in, because it has had to.  It helps me take things in my stride and work through what's happening to me.  These past 2 months has seen me going through big changes again with not being able to participate in 'life' as much as before.  I view most of what's going on from the wings like I'm part of a play, this play of life.  I can't get involved in what I maybe doing in 5 or 10 years time like I used to.  That's been taken away now with a list of things I could talk all day about.  This is how it is for me now.  I listen to people talk about their futures, their dreams, it could be a very lonely place, now and again it is a lonely place, but us humans are very good at adapting when we have to and I truly believe everyone has the strength to get through their stuff.  Difficult experiences can make a human reach into the depths of who they are, what we can find there are strengths and resilience we may not have been aware of before.





 

C.T. Scan

When you are under palliative care its not usual to have scans anymore to track the progress of the cancer, for obvious reasons the cost of doing this outweighs the doctors "need to know".  Some people may not want to know how their cancer is progressing but I am pleased to gain an insight into whats been happening since January.  Due to my recent illness, looming kidney problems and unusual symptoms my Hospice Consultant ordered a C.T. Scan at Royal Bolton hospital.

I had this yesterday which was an extremely trying ordeal.  There were delays and the environment was very uncomfortable, lets just say I prefer Preston hospital!  I am left today with incredible fatigue and my temperature was soaring last night.  I most probably won't be around for a few days because of of overdoing it yesterday.  I haven't got used to how Cancer fatigue at this stage of cancer is so debilitating, how I kept going all afternoon I don't know!  The results should be with the consultant for my appointment on Tuesday.  I have no idea what they will say, but I hope to get the knowledge which will help the consultant diagnose the symptoms.

Well done Ella
Ella well done for doing the figure of eight practices with Casper on Sunday at your Riding School.  I'm so pleased you got to do them without a leader this week, well done!  I'm missing taking you every week, when I get an extra special rest and feel like I have some energy I want to come and watch you again.  No doubt you'll have been missing the crisps, chocolate and apple juice after your lesson every Sunday since I've not been able to take you!  I can't believe it will be a year in June 2011 since we took you for your first lesson.  You may not get to read this until you are all grown up, and may have forgotten when you started your lessons so hopefully this will be a nice reminder for you.  I'm  very proud of you, always remember that.  You are a wonderful Granddaughter and I love you very, very much. 

 Endymion, Book I, [A thing of beauty is a joy for ever]

John Keats

A thing of beauty is a joy for ever:
Its loveliness increases; it will never
Pass into nothingness; but still will keep
A bower quiet for us, and a sleep
Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.
Therefore, on every morrow, are we wreathing
A flowery band to bind us to the earth,
Spite of despondence, of the inhuman dearth
Of noble natures, of the gloomy days,
Of all the unhealthy and o'er-darkened ways
Made for our searching: yes, in spite of all,
Some shape of beauty moves away the pall
From our dark spirits. Such the sun, the moon,
Trees old, and young, sprouting a shady boon
For simple sheep; and such are daffodils
With the green world they live in; and clear rills
That for themselves a cooling covert make
'Gainst the hot season; the mid-forest brake,
Rich with a sprinkling of fair musk-rose blooms:
And such too is the grandeur of the dooms
We have imagined for the mighty dead;
All lovely tales that we have heard or read:
An endless fountain of immortal drink,
Pouring unto us from the heaven's brink.

Nor do we merely feel these essences
For one short hour; no, even as the trees
That whisper round a temple become soon
Dear as the temple's self, so does the moon,
The passion poesy, glories infinite,
Haunt us till they become a cheering light
Unto our souls, and bound to us so fast
That, whether there be shine or gloom o'ercast,
They always must be with us, or we die.

Therefore, 'tis with full happiness that I
Will trace the story of Endymion.
The very music of the name has gone
Into my being, and each pleasant scene
Is growing fresh before me as the green
Of our own valleys: so I will begin
Now while I cannot hear the city's din;
Now while the early budders are just new,
And run in mazes of the youngest hue
About old forests; while the willow trails
Its delicate amber; and the dairy pails
Bring home increase of milk. And, as the year
Grows lush in juicy stalks, I'll smoothly steer
My little boat, for many quiet hours,
With streams that deepen freshly into bowers.
Many and many a verse I hope to write,
Before the daisies, vermeil rimmed and white,
Hide in deep herbage; and ere yet the bees
Hum about globes of clover and sweet peas,
I must be near the middle of my story.
O may no wintry season, bare and hoary,
See it half finished: but let Autumn bold,
With universal tinge of sober gold,
Be all about me when I make an end!
And now at once, adventuresome, I send
My herald thought into a wilderness:
There let its trumpet blow, and quickly dress
My uncertain path with green, that I may speed
Easily onward, thorough flowers and weed.

Thank you to my friend Jacquie in the Isle of Man for sending me a card with an excerpt from this poem on the back, which took me to the full poem.  So beautiful...

Today is a special day to remember my very special Mum who's Birthday was the 13th April 1931.   She was an amazing woman who invested her time and love into a family which extended from her three daughters.  She was committed to family.  Family was her life, and we all reap the benefits of the love and laughter she shared with us, and the legacy of her love lives on in our family's today.  I'm sure over generations she will have become a legend, because she almost has that status in our extended family now.  Thank you Mum for all the wonderful times we shared together, happy memories and love.

                                                                Mildred (Milly) Wright 13th April 1931 - 25th August 2011

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more,
From these our interviews, in which I steal
From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne'er express, yet cannot all conceal.

Byron

My Blog wouldn't be the same without the presence of my favourite poem.

Adjustments
My experience with stage four advanced cancer has been a series of adjustments since the day I was diagnosed.  This continues at pace, many times I haven't time to filter what's happening to me before I'm onto another stage.  It's only two months ago I was walking every day, fatigue was creeping up on me but I was learning to manage it with the help of my Occupational Therapist.  The last infection floored me for a few weeks, each day was a haze and my focus was on getting through each day.  This past week has been spent trying to get on my feet and find out what I can and can't do.  I've learned I can't do very much without feeling extremely fatigued.  

My experience with terminal cancer has been one of letting go, letting go of how I've previously lived my life.  Letting go isn't always easy, not when it's forced on you.  For me, a part of life has been a series of letting go, it goes along side living.  Oftentimes letting go has been at the end of a mental and emotional process where it has been my decision to let go.  One of the toughest I experienced was seeing my children walk into independence and adulthood.

My Occupational Therapist visited this morning.  We talked through my fatigue levels as they are now.  I'm trying to adjust to this level of fatigue when I was only just starting to understand the last level.  So much can change in two months.  That can be a scary thought if I look ahead, and sometimes I do look ahead, fear peeps out and looks me in the eye, especially now that more is happening to me physically.  Pain showed it's face yesterday, I took a deep breath.  More new territory.  Pain said hello to me this morning, oh you're still there, I was hoping you'd have gone away,.... but these tumours are growing after all, it's real.  

There is no doubt about it, this is the hardest stage of cancer I've faced so far.  It's fast moving at the moment.  Constant change and letting go, and now pain.  Testing, testing times.

Managed a walk
After almost 6 weeks I did a small walk today.  The sun was shining and I felt strong enough to walk slowly down the back lane and back, with a break for lunch and cups of tea.  Every now and then I stopped and had a rest then carried on.  This time last week I couldn't imagine being out on a walk again.  Let's hope this infection is well and truly behind me now.  I've never been affected by an infection for such a long period of time with cancer.  Thank you every one for your support, good wishes, cards and gifts, I appreciate you all.

As it's Bowel Cancer awareness month here in the U.K. I'd like to put out another reminder to get checked out if you are in any doubt whatsoever.  Don't put it off, you don't have to go through what I've been going through for over 2 years.  It's about 4 years since cancer invaded my body, it took me 2 years to notice because Bowel cancer cells are slow to develop.

Waiting for fish chips and mushy peas for lunch today.

Some improvement

This past couple of days has seen some improvement since I started with the infection, which we don't know where it was.  I am now on week 5 since it started.  Its almost 48 hours since I've done any shivering so I've been able to cut right back on the paracetamol, I only had two before I went to sleep last night.  I'm hoping I'm on the back end of whatever it was now, but what I'm left with is fatigue which has bit into my life in a new way.  I was starting to plan how to deal with the fatigue that hit me a couple of months ago, but now it's gone onto a new level before I'd found a way to deal with the last level.  I also feel quite poorly most of the time, especially in the evenings.  My Occupational Therapist is coming to see me on Tuesday to help me make a new plan.  I do very little in the day but rest, I look forward to our trips onto the Moor when I'm up to it and this afternoon I'm going to sit on Jessica's sofa for an hour and look at the children's faces which is a big treat.

                       It was lovely to see two of my Grandchildren, Jasmine was snuggling up to me which was lovely.

Daffodils by William Wordsworth
(1770-1850)

---

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills.
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
 

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a boy:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance 

The waves beside them danced, but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay
In such a jocund company;
I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought: 

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

I usually put out this poem every year at this time whilst the Daffodils are still in bloom, I left it a bit late this year but there are still plenty around.

Update after a week, and almost a month into feeling poorly.
I've not felt up to writing on my blog, I'm still feeling much the same as I have these past two and a half weeks.  The first week, three and a half weeks ago, I was a lot worse and in bed the whole week moaning and groaning, and fighting what we think was an infection.  I finished my third round of anti biotics on Tuesday and I haven't got any worse as of today.  I'm not quite sure what I'm dealing with, all I know is that it's new territory, I've no previous experience with how I'm feeling now to know what's wrong and how this will progress.  I spend about 17 hours a day in bed and the rest of the time is spent sitting on the sofa, or Alan and I drive up to the Moors for an hour, or something similar.  I can't do much more than that.  Most of the time I'm queasy and off my 'normal' types of foods that I enjoy eating.  The nights are quite long and disturbed seeing me in and out of the bathroom several times a night and toweling the sweat off in between sleeping sessions.  I feel most poorly around 4 hours after taking Paracetamol and often start shivering at the 5 hour mark with another hour to wait until I can take another dose.  I feel freezing cold at that time, which is usually shortly before my temperature starts to go up.  I find talking draining and can only manage two hours of T.V. in the evenings then I need to get back into bed again.  My bed has been my little sanctuary for almost a month now even though my body feels sore with lying in it for so long.  The ride through my day is very rocky but my bed holds me safe from falling through, because I feel like I'm falling out of the Universe when I'm on my feet.  Yesterday I actually thought I was slipping through this World, it was so real in my perception of reality.  It was our wedding Anniversary yesterday so I thought I'd try and go in one shop, bad idea!  The feeling I experience is different to Vertigo or being dizzy, it's like I just said, I feel like I'm falling through or going to float off.  Every sound of chatter, the clattering of shopping trolley's, every face blurred and surreal, I had to get out of there fast before I fell through.  The drive there itself was invading my senses with noise, braking and speed bumps, I said, "I don't know if I can do this again."  The positive is I don't feel half as bad as week one...

Alan, we have been through such a lot together, since we met our lives have been a huge adventure.  Nothing could have prepared us for the events of the past two years and how our lives would change.  Didn't we cram a lot into our time together, we hurtled through our lives at full throttle.  Hasn't it been good.  We are so close together through this experience yet at the same time we are on opposite sides of the road, we couldn't be further away from each other.  You have been there for me, through everything, every moan, every groan, every tear and every bit of laughter we have shared through these trying two years.  I have loved you, and I will love you, whenever you look for me you will find me... Happy Wedding Anniversary..

Appointment at the Hospice
I met with my Consultant at the hospice yesterday.  She has put me on another week of anti biotics, the other option was going into hospital for intravenous anti biotics.  She is also arranging a C.T. scan for me at the hospital, which will be around two weeks time.  I continue with the same symptoms and very little sleep.  I can't change this I just have to get through each day as best as I can and hope for some improvement.

Tuesday morning - appointment with the Consultant at the hospice:
My temperature is on the up again this evening, time for more paracetamol, open the window in my bedroom and keep the sheets off as much as I can until it cools down a bit.  I have my appointment with the consultant at the Hospice in the morning.  I hope she has got one or two answers for me.  I'm on my last 2 anti biotics, and I hit the two week mark with this.  I'm ready for a day off, let's hope she thinks I'll get one.  At the very least I expect the truth, I deserve that.  Now I'm off to get a grip on these shivers.

Who am I now
Feeling pretty out of it and in bed most of the time apart from this morning when I managed a shower and washed my hair.  I had a long rest before drying it.  Going upstairs to lie down afterwards,  I couldn't get up the last few stairs, Alan had to come and help me.  That's a first.  I don't know who I am, is this the new me, or is it going to pass.  I'm still having regular periods of the shivers and generally am not up to much although I did get up to watch T.V. on the sofa last night for an hour, but I was very glad to be back in bed after that.  Most of the time I rest on my back because my Kidney aches more when I lie on my side.  

Alan took me up on the Moor after I'd had a lie in bed to recover from washing my hair today.  I was very happy to have made it outdoors, to feel strong enough to do that.  I opened the window and felt a tiny bit of sunshine on my face from a March sun that was peeping out from behind the clouds.  I feel like I'm in no mans land, I don't know who I am or where I am in this place.  When I was there on the Moor today with the March sunshine on my face I cried for who I used to be.  I miss me, I miss my life, my freedoms, I miss how I've lived, I miss my relationships, I miss my Grandchildren,.. for all I want to be to them and they to me.  I see their faces all day in my mind and wish I was there living the life with them.  My lovely Grandchildren, I love you all and wish we could have been together all the time you were growing up.  By the time you get to read this in years to come you will have been told how fine you are to me.  I never stop thinking about you and hold your faces and smiles in my heart always.

Another day in bed
I've done two blogs from bed on my ipad which I lost even though I saved them.  I've been in bed all day again today, managing the shivers and the aching in my Kidney which seems to get worse the more I drink.  Lesson for today is don't do a blog on my ipad!  I had another home visit from my G.P. yesterday who told me to continue with the new anti biotics until I complete the second course on Tuesday.  My last water test came back clear before I started the new anti biotics which is a bit confusing really.  My bloods still reveal stage 3 chronic Kidney disease so I may not be having a stent fitted for the time being.  Hopefully my Consultant at the Hospice on Tuesday morning will be able to answer a few questions.  I don't feel much different and it's confusing that both water samples came back clear over the two weeks.  I spend much of the day clock watching every six hours so that I can take some more paracetamol for the shivers and for this ache from my Kidney.  Having said that sometimes I start shivering after the paracetamol.  Not much is making sense other than the fact my body has little to fight whatever I have.  As the G.P. said, it' so busy fighting cancer all the time it has little left for anything else.  What my body would normally brush off it's getting overwhelmed with what it's being asked to do, and don't I know it! 

I thought I was improving a little bit this morning but I'm feeling poorly so back to bed again I'm afraid.  Walking around is proving very difficult and the shivers returned this afternoon.  The paracetamol has calmed them down now and my temperature is 37 so that's good.

Precious Time

I've been well enough to sit up in bed today, and I'm going to have a walk around the house shortly. Yesterday is a bit of a blur. My temperature went up to 39.00 at one point. Every time we got it down for a few hours it would start to climb again. I felt lousy and fed up of all the 2 hour sessions of uncontrollable shivers.  Just after lunchtime I got a home visit from my GP who said he wanted to put an end to, "this suffering". Those were words I held onto for the rest of the day!  He prescribed stronger anti biotics which target the urinary tract and are also for general use.  He seemed to think it's still a urinary tract infection although my cancer Macmillan Nurse said she wanted bloods doing for more investigation. The good news was my lungs were clear.  The District Nurse came out later and took bloods and a water sample.  By 3pm I started the new antibiotics.  Most of the day was spent dealing with the fever and shivering but by 9pm I got up to watch my favourite programme, Masterchef! Shortly after watching T.V. I felt really sick and vomited then crawled back into bed. 

As of now, 4pm, I'm feeling some improvement, I've had an hour out of bed, seen Alan and Jake, and now I'm resting so I can hopefully have a bath. I've had a pretty even day up to now so hopefully these anti biotics are working. I really hope so. My Sister and Niece Face Timed me today and played my favourite theme music to me over the iPad, it was lovely.  After 9 days of these fevers I'm hoping I'm going to the better side of this infection, the get well soon side.

Van Morrison, Precious Time.

Sat up in bed 

I'm sat up in bed where I've spent the majority of the past week. I'm better than I was a week ago but still poorly.  I've taken my last anti-biotic this evening. I managed a night without fever last night, but was sweating a lot as I have for the past four nights. Saturday night I was poorly for a good three hours. I got some relief at 10pm so got up for a while. An hour later I had to get into bed as fast as I could because I was feeling faint. I just got in bed in time and escaped fainting. 

I had some pretty intense and emotional moments during the very poorly session on Saturday evening. I experienced more letting go of parts of me that I can't be anymore. I can't bring back who I used to be, how I used to function, my strength, my life as it was. This journey continues, yet again I have shed what has to go as I walk down my path, through my life. 

I went out for lunch with Jessica today but I was overwhelmed and close to panic at one point. I could barely talk or understand what was being said at times, it feels like I'm being pulled back by something, into something like syrup. Getting ready to go was difficult and Alan helped me get my coat and I hung on to Jessica until we got to the car. I had to try and get lunch out!  When I got home I crawled into bed where I still am.  At least I don't feel like I'm falling here. I'm better than I was though, I have to remember that, my glass is still half full.  Some of what I experienced at my core level this weekend was so profound I kept thinking that I've got to write this down. What I experience time and time again is I know what is there to say but I can't get to it. My thinking and communication process has been affected again these past few weeks. The depth of what I've experienced can't be shared because I can't get to it.  I can experience it, live it and think it but I can't form sentences or verbalise.  Like now, if I read back what I'm typing I can't tell if it's confused by me using the wrong words in the wrong places.  It is a bizarre feeling.  That's okay, these are the limitations I work with now. Alan will ask me a question and I feel like I have no idea how to think of what he is asking me. I can't answer the most mundane of questions. It's as if the questions are too mundane, too detailed and not where I can be. I have to say I don't know, whatever, you look and decide etc.

I understood today how I need to keep things simple. No one else needs to know what goes on in my heart, my mind and the core of who I am. It's okay for only me to experience what feels like intense and profound revelations, because they are about me. We walk our own journeys through this life, ups and downs, good health and sickness. Whichever arenas we learn in during our life is where we can let go, learn and grow from our experiences. We can use challenges to break through parts of ourselves we don't need anymore. I think there are as many arenas as people sometimes, what we learn from our time here is unique. For myself, I don't expect anyone to understand or agree with my experience.   My life experiences and the doors I have knocked on to find my truth are of value to me and that's what counts.  I need to keep it simple.

Van Morrison, Keep It Simple, is another one of my special things.  My Mum loved this too.

8pm
It's 8pm and I'm still doing okay today,.. sshh..  I have to whisper, small little steps each part of the day, helps me get through and find my way.

My visit to Jordan in March 2007 has been on my mind every day recently.  It made a strong impression on me and I would have liked to have gone back sometime.  This visit to Petra was a special day, these are two photographs of the last section of the walk down to Petra Itself.  For any of my Grandchildren or their children who find a trail to this blog one day, it's a very atmospheric and magical place to visit.  When we drove through the hills around Petra we drove through a small village which was like going back in time hundreds of years.  The children stood at the side of the road waving at us as we passed by.  Stories of a life most of us will never know let alone comprehend etched across their faces, and vice versa I must say.  I wonder if any of you my lovely family, will visit this place.

Stretching, testing times even after over 2 years
I've still not been able to look at messages or the group page but I've glanced and can see a long list of messages.  Thank you for those, when I've read them I'll 'like' the comment.  I took the day cautiously, getting up at lunchtime then Alan took me out for some lunch for half an hour where we met up with some of the family.  I may have been out about an hour and a half altogether then I got straight back in bed.  By 7pm I was going through the now regular pattern of shivering for two hours then getting a rise in fever.  I've been in bed all day apart from about two hours.  I have two more days of anti-biotics to take then if I haven't improved I'll be back down to see the Doctor.  We know my left Kidney is swollen and probably draining slowly because it's been aching for 5 months.  It wasn't backed up after my lastest scan but it could be something to talk to the Doctor about again.  I know the problems which I may have looming in the future can involve some of the symptoms I'm experiencing.  Thank you all for thinking about me.  This week is turning into a haze, I don't think I went out at all yesterday but I can't remember.  I'm fed up and feel like I'm being stretched to my limits again.  I'm not sure when I will update the blog again I feel awful after writing that.

Temperature back up to 38.4 last night
I've not felt well enough to look at Judith McGuinness Cancer support through collective thinking yet, I'm hoping I'll feel well enough soon to do one or two things.    I'd felt able to come downstairs yesterday for an hour, and I wrote the blog then I went back to bed again until late afternoon.  Then I pulled on some clothes and Alan took me up to the viewpoint on the moor so we had half an hour sitting in the car looking out, sometimes using our binoculars.  I was happy to be there in that special place.  When we got home I felt really poorly so I got into bed until 9.15pm when my Son Jake arrived.  I got up and sat on the sofa for an hour or so then went back to bed.  I couldn't stop shivering and felt very poorly as I have most of this week.  It was hard not to groan and thrash around trying to get comfortable, it's been difficult to get comfortable.  I heard myself keep groaning and it was the only thing I could do to express how lousy I felt.  I was so cold I put my dressing gown on in bed which stopped the shivering after a while.  By 5am I thought I would check my temperature, I heard fast bleeping which means my temperature was above what is classed as normal.  It was over 38 again so Alan got up and began opening the windows and removing my dressing gown and pulling the sheets back.  After half an hour my temperature was within normal ranges. I've hardly slept in two nights so I had half a sleeping tablet which, thankfully gave me a few good hours of sleep.  Jessica was here at lunchtime helping me have a bath and washing my hair for me, then she dried it and I was able to get straight in bed again for a rest.  It felt lovely with nice clean sheets on too.  My appetite is still not roused I've had two apples today.  Most of the time I've felt nauseous but not today so far, that's a plus.  I came downstairs this afternoon because Jake arrived after work to clean my fridge so I thought I'd do an update whilst I felt up to it but now I need to lie down again.  

When I don't feel up to going out I like to think about one of the places I've lived or visited.  We took this photograph at Petra in Jordan.  It is an amazing place. Lovely memories.

Fever broke
Thank you for the comments and recommendations on Judith McGuinness cancer support through collective thinking.  I've not been near the computer for a few days so haven't caught up on all the posts, hopefully I'll feel strong enough to do so in the next day or so.  The fever finally broke last night, thankfully.  We'd spent a couple of days trying to get my temperature down because it peeked over 38 when we didn't keep an eye on it.  It's difficult to try and cool your body temperature when you are shivering and your teeth are chattering but it had to be done.  No luxury's like a hot water bottle!  I ventured out of my bed last night for an hour and felt well enough to come down stairs for breakfast this morning.  I'm slowly coming round which is good news because I felt so bad I was sure I was dying.  Thanks again for your support and words which mean a lot to me, I have some special friends old and new around the globe and you are all precious to me. 

Another infection
I was up most of the night as another infection decided to move into my body and made me feel uncomfortable all night.  Cystitis is not very nice as most people who've experienced it can tell you.  There are varying degrees to the symptoms.  I took some paracetamol overnight and I found my Sodium Citrate sachets which help relieve the symptoms for a few hours.  In fact they make the infection bearable, but you can only have three doses in 24 hours, and only for two days.  Then there is Cranberry juice which is always highly recommended, but you need to check the Cranberry content on the bottle or carton because many brands only have a small percentage of Cranberry juice in them, alongside a lot of sugar because Cranberry's can be quite bitter.  


By daylight I was feeling fed up with the discomfort and constant need to be in the bathroom.  My left Kidney aches all the time, my ovaries ache, and one or two other areas, I just shouted in my bathroom, "Leave me alone!"  It does help sometimes!  I was thinking to myself, "Stop chipping away at me and wearing me down infections, I've had enough of you!"  This is the fourth one now in the past several weeks.  As I've said in a previous blog, I'm not spending my time worrying about infections, but the more I get the more I'm aware that this could be the weakness in my body from the advanced cancer.  I don't want to become resistant to the anti biotics I'm on every few weeks, especially if I ended up with a lung infection.  Anyway - these are thoughts drifting through my mind which are out in this blog now.  Something that is at the back of my mind, quietly but cautiously sitting observing what's going on, but trying not to interfere with me cracking on with my life as best as I can.

I could see the sunshine filling the sky, and the big fluffy clouds I love sailing along in the breeze but I couldn't go out.   We'd made plans to go to a local town's market and buy some fresh cheeses and chutney, and have a drink in a cafe, generally having a lovely time, but I couldn't leave the house.  Alan went down to the Doctors first thing, and by 9am one of the Doctors called me.  By 9.30 I had a prescription for anti biotics and a Urine sample bottle to drop back off at the Doctors before lunch so it could be sent off for testing.  


The bright sunshine had been replaced by grey clouds as I stepped out of the house late this afternoon.  I'd taken another Sodium Citrate drink which helped me get out of the house for 40 minutes.  We drove up to one of our favourite view points on the Moor and sipped our hot drinks.  It didn't matter that the skies were grey, I was looking at the horizon, the Kestrels, the beautiful land, and the sky, it felt good. 

 Sunset on the Moors
We have had some days of sunshine which I have really enjoyed.  I love this kind of weather when the air is cool and crisp and the sun shines brightly on a March day.  The daffodils and crocuses peep their heads out from the cool earth ready to dance in the breeze and blossom in the sunshine.  I prefer this weather to any hot muggy day we may get in the Summer.  I feel happy to have been out in it today, because I didn't walk at all yesterday.  I'm still learning how to manage the fatigue I experience and I suspect it will take some time to get it right.  It's a balancing act, getting the right amount of rest and activity isn't as easy as it sounds, other than sitting down and doing nothing all day.  We take my Granddaughter Ella for her Horse Riding Lesson every Sunday, so I decided not to go for a walk so I wouldn't use up energy needed for that.  My Sister and two Nieces also come over every Sunday so I needed energy for that too.  Actually, one of those activities is enough in the day but my Sister, Nieces, Alan and I have such a giggle when they visit I couldn't possibly give it up.   Most Sunday's there is screeching and laughter going on for up to three hours, exhausting but so much fun!  On Saturday I found myself with too much going on from morning until 3pm and really paid the price, I ended up in bed for 5 hours.  I need to hold back from making arrangements as much as possible because I forget what's involved.  By the time I've showered, creamed my over dry skin from treatments, then dried my hair, my limbs are aching and I'm ready for a rest.  I may have to change my routine so I shower and wash my hair before bedtime so I can get straight into bed.  I'm mentioning all this to give you some kind of idea how cancer fatigue can affect you.  I felt frustrated again today because there is so much I'd like to do, and I can't attempt to to these things.  I've had to let my standards slip around the house, and look longingly at flower pots I'd like to dig and plant Spring flowers in.  I thought I'd got over the frustration of not being able to do things and walked into acceptance, but I haven't really.  My understanding is that it's a daily acceptance, I'm not over it and that's it I get on with doing what I can in tiny steps, no, it's an on going learning process along with learning to take regular rest periods, and not doing what I want to do all the time.

This evening we took up a small picnic and hot drinks to one of  the beauty spots around our home so that we could watch the sunset.  It was so beautiful, I love to get out of the house and see the sky and the horizon.  The Moon was also shinning brightly in the sky as the sun was going down.  My daughter and one of my Granddaughters came and sat alongside us in their car, it was chilly but the sunset made me feel a warm glow inside.  How lovely to be in that scenery and have people I love at my side.  That and a picnic, what could be better!

Enjoying a picnic, wonderful views and special company, moments to treasure, and there is the rock I named after a friend of mine, Dianne's Rock.

                                           It's difficult to stay indoors when Spring is in the air!
This is the spot on the edge of the Moors where I would sit in the car with Alan when I was on chemotherapy and couldn't go out because of the effects of cold air on my throat, hands and feet.  One of the side effects of one of the chemotherapy drugs was your throat feeling like it was closing up in cold air.  I used to avoid going in the fridge and would wear cotton gloves because touching anything cold made the pins and needle sensation worse.  I love this spot, especially at dusk, there is a silence that seems to sweep across the Moors, gentle and soothing as darkness falls.  It was a lovely day again today, there was a haze across the land, it looked like fog the higher up you went.  This photograph taken around 5.30pm, is of me looking up at the Moon with my binoculars.  The Moon looked amazing as one edge of it was glowing a soft amber colour from the sunset.
I saw the Doctor this morning to talk about the results of my Ultrasound scan last Friday.  The scan shows no real change, only the Ovarian cysts which weren't giving cause for concern.  My Kidney is still enlarged but there is no back up from the Kidney so no need for a stent just yet.  My G.P. asked if I wanted an appointment with a consultant at the hospital so I could have my Uterus checked out, but I said no, we'll wait and see how the next few weeks go with regards to discomfort and symptoms I've been experiencing.  We also made an appointment to get my bloods done on Monday.  I told her my fatigue levels had gone up, and that I have to take paracetamol during the night because my limbs are aching and keep me awake.  Once we get those results I hope to have more of an idea if the added fatigue and aching limbs are a progression of the disease, if I'm anemic or just taking longer to get over the last infection I had recently.  My Colon takes constant management and is a daily reminder of the need for early detection and diagnosis of this awful disease.  Sometimes it feels like my Colon is my life because my day revolves around dealing with it, even though I had the resection to remove the tumour problems persist and I can have awful discomfort where I had the surgery. 

I can't turn back the clock for my diagnosis but anyone reading this blog can keep an eye on their own bowel habits.  If your Bowel habits change and are not normal for you please don't hesitate to see your G.P. and arrange a check up.  Bowel cancer is very easy to treat in the early stages of the disease, cancerous polyps can be removed during a Colonoscopy procedure.  Please, if in doubt get checked out.

Thank you for all the messages on Judith McGuinness Cancer support through collective thinking.  I appreciate them all and wish you a happy weekend.