Adjustments
My experience with stage four advanced cancer has been a series of adjustments since the day I was diagnosed.  This continues at pace, many times I haven't time to filter what's happening to me before I'm onto another stage.  It's only two months ago I was walking every day, fatigue was creeping up on me but I was learning to manage it with the help of my Occupational Therapist.  The last infection floored me for a few weeks, each day was a haze and my focus was on getting through each day.  This past week has been spent trying to get on my feet and find out what I can and can't do.  I've learned I can't do very much without feeling extremely fatigued.  

My experience with terminal cancer has been one of letting go, letting go of how I've previously lived my life.  Letting go isn't always easy, not when it's forced on you.  For me, a part of life has been a series of letting go, it goes along side living.  Oftentimes letting go has been at the end of a mental and emotional process where it has been my decision to let go.  One of the toughest I experienced was seeing my children walk into independence and adulthood.

My Occupational Therapist visited this morning.  We talked through my fatigue levels as they are now.  I'm trying to adjust to this level of fatigue when I was only just starting to understand the last level.  So much can change in two months.  That can be a scary thought if I look ahead, and sometimes I do look ahead, fear peeps out and looks me in the eye, especially now that more is happening to me physically.  Pain showed it's face yesterday, I took a deep breath.  More new territory.  Pain said hello to me this morning, oh you're still there, I was hoping you'd have gone away,.... but these tumours are growing after all, it's real.  

There is no doubt about it, this is the hardest stage of cancer I've faced so far.  It's fast moving at the moment.  Constant change and letting go, and now pain.  Testing, testing times.