I've been quite nauseous this past week so I haven't been around very much.  When I went to the Hospice on Friday they changed my pain relief to Fentanyl patches instead of Morphine tablets.  I still have the liquid Morphine as a top up as and when I need it.  The patches don't seem strong enough so I'll be chatting with the Consultant at the Hospice tomorrow about having a higher dose so I'm not using the liquid Morphine as much which may be making me so sick.

My blood tests show I'm anemic I was border line last time I had my bloods done about 4 weeks ago.  This means I'll be going into the Hospice on Wednesday for a blood transfusion.  I have to go to the Hospice in the morning so they can take some blood to try and get a good match for me on Wednesday.  

I also woke up in the night with a high temperature so we contacted the Hospice helpline who advised me to take some paracetamol and see my G.P. today because I maybe starting with an infection.  I'll see my Consultant at the Hospice tomorrow though instead.  I hope I haven't got another infection starting after the last one which floored me for almost 2 months.  I feel shivery now so I'll be pleased to get my appointment in the morning.

I've not been near my message box or the internet in general but I needed to get this out for the latest updates.  I doubt I'll be leaving any messages or doing a blog until I feel a bit better.  If an infection does manifest itself that could be a while.

Thank you for continued support everyone.  Thank you to my family for their practical help, you were a good help yesterday Gill, Jane and Jen. 

I was going to do a blog today, I put the laptop on fully intending to do so.  At 5pm here I am, I've done too much today, I admit to overdoing it!  Hopefully I'll do the blog soon.  I went to the Hospice yesterday so I was going to update about that.  

It's another hot day here well 24 degrees feels hot enough to me these days!  

Another hot day today.  We took our time and walked down a leafy country lane to Jessica's.  We didn't see one person.  It was lovely and cool in the shade provided by the trees.

I had a nice rest at Jessica's and a drink, the kids were playing out in their sandpit, then we slowly walked over to the Bus Stop and got the Bus up the hill which dropped us off a short walk from home.  Back home, rest.  A short trip well done!  Buses can be fun!

This is me waiting at the bus stop,.. we only had about a 2 minute wait which was great, 10 minutes later we were walking through our front door!  I used to wait for buses at this Bus stop when I was a young girl.  Thanks for capturing these images on your phone today Alan

 

What another glorious day of sunshine we've had, that's three days in a row, it's been lovely, not too hot.

My Mother In Law had a visit with us this morning, I was tired after 20 minutes because I can't stop myself chattering, and I needed to conserve energy because I was going out with Jessica for an hour and a half.  I quickly put my feet up for 10 minutes after she had gone, then went out with Jessica.  I really enjoyed our time Jessica, thanks for picking out a few clothes for me in the shop we went into.  I loved stopping off at the fishery on our way home, sipping our drinks under the outside umbrella looking out across the water and talking ... lovely!

I was ready for a rest when I got in but needed some Morphine which I immediately vomited back up again!

We cope in different ways
As I looked down the lane I could see a woman pausing and her body language looked uncomfortable even at a distance.  I hardly thought about it for a few minutes because she scurried off onto another lane, which meant she wouldn't be walking directly past me.  I was busy looking at the lovely fresh green leaves on the trees, the sun was shining and I was lost in the moment.  I didn't pay attention to the lady I'd glanced at down the lane.  It was only when I turned round that I could see the lady higher up on the hill and on the other track.  I recognised her as an acquaintance of mine and as her eyes made contact I said hello.  She was hoping to get past without me seeing her.  She stopped walking and we broke into an obscure kind of conversation, more of a bit of banter than anything else.  Then she scurried off at pace.  

I experience this with people from time to time.  Poor woman, she felt uncomfortable, that was obvious.  A couple of years ago I may have felt offended but I think I understand.  I hope I understand.  She didn't know what to say to me or how to be with me.  One thing I have come to learn and understand during my experience with cancer is that I don't need to take someone's avoidance of me personally.  This woman was holding back the tears, just seeing me upset her.  She didn't know what to say to me.  What would I say to me?  I'd just be me, but that's me.  We are all different aren't we.  One thing I do know is this lady cares, she's not avoiding me because she doesn't like me.  That's her way of coping, I accept that.

You can't see the Heron very well, if at all on this photograph Alan took it on his phone as we walked down the lane,.. it was stood amongst the Daisy's and looked full of character with his back towards the water, which is unusual for a Heron!

For Joe:
Joe, we have such a laugh, we share a similar sense of humour.  I love it that you like a giggle with me.  I like your personality, you are full of character.  I like to watch you drawing, which you do quite a lot at the moment.  I like to sit and watch you draw, your head bent and eyes focused on what you are doing.  You are so concentrated and absorbed you don't hear what's going on around you, and it can be pretty noisy sometimes.  Jasmine makes sure of that!  I wonder if your love of drawing will continue and develop through your life... 

I'll never forget the morning  you were born in Dubai on the 2nd June 2006.  When we arrived at the delivery suite we heard two little cries and knew it was you making your first two sounds.  Your Mum and Dad were in such a rush to get to the American Hospital before you came out, that they had to leave their car, still running, outside the entrance door,... with the car doors wide open!

We have shared so many special times together Joe, I have many happy memories of time spent with you.  We walked up on the Moor together from our house and sat on a big stone with lovely views of the Town.  You were only about three at the time.  I told you that would always be our stone, and one day we should take a picnic up there.  It's such a nice stone to sit on and admire the views, that I'm sure many people have said the same thing.

I remember taking you up through Ridgemont Cemetery and you had a stick  which you pushed into the soil near the side entrance gates.  You went up there a few times after that and your stick was still where we left it!  There is so much I'd like to do with you Joe, but I treasure all the times I spend with you now.  I can't stop looking at your face, it's a nice face, a lovely face I want to say, and you have a wonderful way with you, an insight which comes to the surface making that particular moment very special.  You ask questions which I find quite profound.  You think about things, I like that.  I love you Joe. 

I took this photograph on one of our walks Joe, you've always liked being out in the wild!  This was down at the Bridge of the Water...

Luke likes Raspberry ripple!
Luke I don't know if Raspberry Ripple will still your favourite ice cream when you get to read this, but it used to be!  You used to like going to Fredericks ice cream makers who have a shop and snack bar.  On hot days people would form a queue all the way down the main road at weekends, evenings and holidays.  They probably still will when you've grown up!  We took you and Ella and you chose Raspberry Ripple with a chocolate flake in it too.  We walked down near the canal for a bit before driving home.  I wonder if you'll remember that day.  It was the 5th August 2010 and I have a photograph of you with your favourite ice cream.

I wonder what you will do with your life Luke.  You are such a caring person who loves animals and you are very good with children too.  You act in such a natural way with animals and seem to know how to treat them all by instinct,  I remember walking down Georges Lane with you, your Dad and Ella, a few months ago, you didn't hesitate to stroke a Horse which had it's head over a field gate.  You showed no fear when you fed it some grass and stroked it's face, only a respect and caring attitude which was lovely to see.  I wonder if you will share your caring nature with the World through your work when you grow up..

I can't see the Raspberry Ripple but it is in there!

A Memory with Ella
Ella, this is for you my love.  It was a time when you lived in Dubai when we were there and Aunty Jessica and Uncle Dan too.  It was lovely to see so much of you because when we lived in Dubai on our own I only saw you when I came over to England.  This was a special time you and I shared together on the beach, Luke, your Mum and Dad, Aunty Jessica and Uncle Dan were playing a game of football in the hot sun.  We were busy looking at trees and sitting in the sea!
 
I wrote this after you had returned to the U.K.  I missed you terribly!

Together we shared the beauty and energy of the Moon and Stars.

Her small body pressed against mine as we turned our heads to the sky.

I taught her to look at the Moon and Stars and the look in her eyes was almost as deep as the feeling I have when I look up at the night sky. 

Held on my hip we touched her first tree, a palm tree on the beach.  She felt what nature has to offer her from that first touch of a tree trunk.  I pointed to the outstretched leaves, and the patterns of the leaves against the sky.  Her eyes twinkled with enthusiasm her attention in the moment complete.

I took her to the edge of the shore, sat down, and placed her at the side of me.  We looked straight ahead from the golden soft sands to the turquoise and aqua marine ocean.  As I slowly glanced round to her frame on my right hand side, I took a deep breath and saw she was taking the same deep and intoxicating breath of life.   Filling her being in that moment, she wasn’t a child of one year, she was a Soul caught in a timeless moment of wonder.  She didn’t move this wonder in my life.  She was still, so unlike a child of one.  There we sat in the same stance, and I heard her sigh inwardly, although she was silent.  I lifted her and dragged her feet through the waters.  I watched the delight on her face as she felt another element, and my heart was overflowing. 

I really miss being with her, and asked my Son to show her the Moon and Stars again that she may feel the wonder of what we shared together.

I am grateful to have experienced those special moment with Ella.

I will never forget looking round and how she was as she looked out to the Ocean, as she sat just inches from the shore with her bare feet in the sand.

Ella, I came over from Dubai to see you, I'm such a big softie I couldn't help but cry when I cuddled you, you were such a lovely baby.

A memory for Jasmine
My lovely Jasmine you are a very bright light in my life, I can't go a day without seeing you.  I love to scoop you up in my arms and hug and kiss you.  I love to hear your voice when you come to my house and I'm upstairs, you call for me and my heart lifts at the sound of your voice, which isn't quite 3 yet.  When we see one another we rush towards each other we are so happy to be in each others company again.  Two days ago, which would be the 8th May 2012, you banged your little thumb when you tried to close the door as you were leaving, your Mummy quickly lifted you up to cuddle you and check your thumb was okay.  It hurt you but it looked like it would be alright very soon.  You were crying and I felt your thumb, it felt hot, I know what it feels like when you bump your thumb and it feels hot so I gently kissed it.  Inside my heart I wished with all my might it wouldn't hurt you for very long.  I picked a lovely bright yellow pansy from one of my flower pots, it was cool and damp and felt like satin.  It was one of those pansy's that wasn't completely open.  It offered a little place where you could put your hot thumb to help cool it down and soothe it on your way home in the car.  I called out to you as you were leaving, and walked over to the courtyard gate where I gently placed the flower in your hand for your poorly thumb to rest inside until it didn't feel poorly anymore.

I love you with all my heart my darling Jasmine, 

Nannie xxxx

More changes

I've been experiencing more changes and a time to readjust, in fact I'm having to readjust as I go because my weeks aren't the same.  As time moves on and the calendar month changes so this cancer moves on.  My appetite and taste buds have changed, which is one of the biggest changes of the past few weeks.  I can't face eating a meal and struggle to think of something I feel like eating.  When I think of something I could eat it tastes different to how it usually tastes.  My cups of tea aren't so good these days either, I always drank still water, now it makes me feel sick so I have sparkling water. 

I've been struggling with a few of the side effects of having cancer in my Ovaries this past week and It throws up hormonal issues which wouldn't normally be a part of my life.

Mentally it's been tough, I can't say otherwise.  I've felt sorry for myself these past few days, just fed up with the barrage of things thrown on me by this dreadful disease.  There aren't days off this thing which is why I would encourage anyone who thinks they have a problem to visit their G.P. The late stages of stage 4 cancer aren't generous enough to give time off for a break or to catch your breath, it's full on dealing with the physical, emotional, and for me now, mental effects of what it causes.

Early detection and diagnosis is the key.

We walked down to the fishery and had a drink outside, the wild flowers looked beautiful.  The sun shone every now and then but it was cool for May, the weathermen have told us it could be the coolest May on record.  The Occupational Therapist told me to walk half way to the Fishery and then turn back, but with a rest I could do it.  When I got home though, I was shaking like a leaf.  I looked at my hands trembling as if they weren't mine... Now I know why she said that...

Thank you for sharing this beautiful image with me Kim, when I look at it I feel refreshed...

Thank you to my Sister Gill, and Nieces Jane and Jennifer for cleaning my house today.  The house looks lovely and fresh and you take a load off my mind.  Your help is truly appreciated.

It's been nice to see the sunshine this weekend, I'm not sure if it will last for the Bank Holiday here in the U.K. but I hope everyone has a lovely holiday and gets to do something nice.