Sat up in bed 

I'm sat up in bed where I've spent the majority of the past week. I'm better than I was a week ago but still poorly.  I've taken my last anti-biotic this evening. I managed a night without fever last night, but was sweating a lot as I have for the past four nights. Saturday night I was poorly for a good three hours. I got some relief at 10pm so got up for a while. An hour later I had to get into bed as fast as I could because I was feeling faint. I just got in bed in time and escaped fainting. 

I had some pretty intense and emotional moments during the very poorly session on Saturday evening. I experienced more letting go of parts of me that I can't be anymore. I can't bring back who I used to be, how I used to function, my strength, my life as it was. This journey continues, yet again I have shed what has to go as I walk down my path, through my life. 

I went out for lunch with Jessica today but I was overwhelmed and close to panic at one point. I could barely talk or understand what was being said at times, it feels like I'm being pulled back by something, into something like syrup. Getting ready to go was difficult and Alan helped me get my coat and I hung on to Jessica until we got to the car. I had to try and get lunch out!  When I got home I crawled into bed where I still am.  At least I don't feel like I'm falling here. I'm better than I was though, I have to remember that, my glass is still half full.  Some of what I experienced at my core level this weekend was so profound I kept thinking that I've got to write this down. What I experience time and time again is I know what is there to say but I can't get to it. My thinking and communication process has been affected again these past few weeks. The depth of what I've experienced can't be shared because I can't get to it.  I can experience it, live it and think it but I can't form sentences or verbalise.  Like now, if I read back what I'm typing I can't tell if it's confused by me using the wrong words in the wrong places.  It is a bizarre feeling.  That's okay, these are the limitations I work with now. Alan will ask me a question and I feel like I have no idea how to think of what he is asking me. I can't answer the most mundane of questions. It's as if the questions are too mundane, too detailed and not where I can be. I have to say I don't know, whatever, you look and decide etc.

I understood today how I need to keep things simple. No one else needs to know what goes on in my heart, my mind and the core of who I am. It's okay for only me to experience what feels like intense and profound revelations, because they are about me. We walk our own journeys through this life, ups and downs, good health and sickness. Whichever arenas we learn in during our life is where we can let go, learn and grow from our experiences. We can use challenges to break through parts of ourselves we don't need anymore. I think there are as many arenas as people sometimes, what we learn from our time here is unique. For myself, I don't expect anyone to understand or agree with my experience.   My life experiences and the doors I have knocked on to find my truth are of value to me and that's what counts.  I need to keep it simple.

Van Morrison, Keep It Simple, is another one of my special things.  My Mum loved this too.