Who am I now
Feeling pretty out of it and in bed most of the time apart from this morning when I managed a shower and washed my hair.  I had a long rest before drying it.  Going upstairs to lie down afterwards,  I couldn't get up the last few stairs, Alan had to come and help me.  That's a first.  I don't know who I am, is this the new me, or is it going to pass.  I'm still having regular periods of the shivers and generally am not up to much although I did get up to watch T.V. on the sofa last night for an hour, but I was very glad to be back in bed after that.  Most of the time I rest on my back because my Kidney aches more when I lie on my side.  

Alan took me up on the Moor after I'd had a lie in bed to recover from washing my hair today.  I was very happy to have made it outdoors, to feel strong enough to do that.  I opened the window and felt a tiny bit of sunshine on my face from a March sun that was peeping out from behind the clouds.  I feel like I'm in no mans land, I don't know who I am or where I am in this place.  When I was there on the Moor today with the March sunshine on my face I cried for who I used to be.  I miss me, I miss my life, my freedoms, I miss how I've lived, I miss my relationships, I miss my Grandchildren,.. for all I want to be to them and they to me.  I see their faces all day in my mind and wish I was there living the life with them.  My lovely Grandchildren, I love you all and wish we could have been together all the time you were growing up.  By the time you get to read this in years to come you will have been told how fine you are to me.  I never stop thinking about you and hold your faces and smiles in my heart always.